in the last few posts, i’ve written about feeling foggy and unfocused, being broke and how you love and serve people without going even more broke.
it occurred to me (a few workdays and a few dollars later) that the biggest mistake i made was taking on a limited perspective – that when my bank account was sapped dry, i just assumed it was the end of the world and that i’d never make money again and i’d die in debt. that’s my worst fear. when i’m afraid or frustrated the thing i usually need the most is a little bit of release – a good writing session or to spend a little time with a friend or to do something good, fun, uplifting, and distracting. well, factor in the fact that i got myself involved in a situation that had happened at work that was really none of my business and i spent a good few days fighting and arguing and getting myself into trouble and the headspace was made that much worse.
i hate that about negative thinking – it becomes easier to just spiral downwards and its tough to arrest the slide. i was mad because i felt broke and a little out of control which is why i got involved and took sides in a situation that wasn’t mine to meddle in (because i wanted to feel in control of something.) then for three or four more days there was tension and there were tough conversations and tears and sighs and there were days of me being able to think about nothing else because one situation – one little situation that i meddled in – took over my cognizance.
but the good news is that such a slide can be arrested. heck, the story of the last two years of my life is stopping a slide of foreign, negative, dysfunctional and unbeneficial thought patterns.
i think the solution looks different for everyone. often times for me, it’s one of two things: having something to do (usually getting out and working, something where there’s a really noticeable result) or just seeing people who can lift your spirits.
i’m in a stage of diagnostics, too – i’ve been trying to figure out how to avoid bad thinking. it’s not easy. my best guess at this point is that we have to learn to let go of being in control and/or being right. money is such a stressor because money feels like a varietal of control. arguments are stressors because it’s a way of validating “rightness.”
my least favorite fights are with people who are unwilling to have honest, thorough discussions to see where the other is coming from (and as i write this, i wonder if sometimes i am the one unwilling to see where the other is coming from?) but seriously – my best friends are the ones i argue with and fight with and we can stay friends even if we feel tense and even if we piss each other off, because at the end of the day their friendship is too valuable (and they feel the same way about mine) to sacrifice in order to be right. or maybe it’s not even being right that people are after – maybe it’s being understood. for some people, being understood is worth fighting about. for others, being at peace and not fighting is worth not understanding each other for. the worst possible fights are between people whose priorities differ there.
anyway – i don’t really know why i’m writing today. i don’t have a point to make exactly. sometimes i think the real motivation of my writing is to capture a headspace or a mood (in this case, peace and joy and a little understanding of human interaction) and bottle it up to access later, and as always, i hope someone else can glean from it, too.