disintegration [a journal entry.]

I’m going to try something new today. 

I’m going to try and believe that it’s okay not to be the best at things. 

It’s ironic that I am dealing with that – I’ve rarely if ever been the best at anything. I never took advanced courses in high school or college, I never took classes to learn music, and information sticks to my brain like wet tape sticks to paper (not very well.) 

But there is one thing I’ve ever felt like I’m really good at – my job. Just this one in particular. Everywhere else I felt like I’m pretty darn good, but never the best. I’ve felt like the best here. It’s not been healthy. It’s made me jealous (when others got plaudits,) frustrated (when I felt I wasn’t listened to,) proud (when I won an award,) stressed (when I was having an off day,) and angry (when others just don’t “get it.”) After all, if I think I’m the best, then why should I struggle? Why should anyone listen to anyone but me? Why don’t I have more input? Why don’t I win the awards every year? Why don’t I get more attention?

 

That’s it, isn’t it? The desire to be noticed? The desire to be seen as good, as fast, as thorough, as memorable. And outside of work, I have battled this desire to be seen as engaged, informed, smart, like I have my act together. But how many times have I had to learn this lesson (and how many times will I surely learn it again?) Being the best isn’t even good if your heart isn’t in the right place? 

 

Why be the best at a customer service job if you’re not in it for the selfless service?

Why read a lot if you’re not genuinely curious?

Why be informed with the flow of news and politics if your primary goal is appearance, not making a difference? 

Why have a good looking body if you’re more concerned about looking good than being healthy?

 

I think i’ll call this entry “disintegrate,” and that’s an intentional word. I considered “decimate” or “obliterate” or other harsher, murderous terms. But that’s not the goal here – I’m not trying to destroy my ego altogether, but remove it from certain things. I’m trying to dis-integrate – to reduce, to break up, to un-unify my ego from my actions. 

 

 

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