[misguided.]

i’m afraid to look into your eyes
because I’ve been places I thought i’d never go
I’ve seen things I promised I wouldn’t
I’ve said things with these lips

so unbecoming of the man who once preached you the truth

what have I become?
where do I belong?
they say there’s a cloud of witnesses
is that supposed to comfort me?

because on one hand I feel
your eyes never left me
and every time I fail
you see everything
I question myself
and ask who this stranger is
I betray my conscience
and float by so meaningless

but on the other hand I feel
that i’m all alone in this
like I left the fold
and i’m paying the price for it
I miss your strength
and the calmness you gave to me

am I the same?
or have I run away for good

I question everything

could it be the case
that miles have done this?
Did I have no roots? (psalm 1:3)
am I the bad soil? (mark 4:5)
is none of this real?
was all of this folly?
did God ever leave?
or is it just my weakness

here I stand
just a man

nine years aren’t wasted
I’m far from finished
aren’t You?

I cannot stop
I can’t even live
if I turned my back now
took my hand from the plow
but I fear I’m now tainted
I’ve never had to see Your grace like this
let’s just find out what this now means

’cause I’ve been lost
without a guide
I don’t trust my conscience
my heart will deceive me

I keep doubting myself
and who I say I am
at times I feel home
but at times I feel miles away

I trust You
I love You
don’t hide Your face from me
don’t let Your voice fade out

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