Well, rumor has it I don’t know how to blog anymore. Rumor has it that when I try to write an honest blog about feeling I already felt, vulgar as they may be, and how I feel God is redeeming them, I fail and the attempt falls flat on its face. I guess I don’t know how this thing works anymore. I’ve always viewed this blog as a way to be completely honest about every emotion I have, no matter how raw or inappropriate it is. After all, my tagline under my blog title is “learning, changing.”
But I guess part of the risk of honesty is that it’s vulnerability. The risk is that your honesty won’t be taken as it was meant, and it can be used to tear you to pieces.
A week or so ago, I wrote a blog that perhaps I shouldn’t. I talked a rant I had with God about someone who hurt me, someone whose actions left a lot of questions. I talked about how justified I felt in being hateful. And yeah, I used the word hate. And I used phrases I only use when I’m incredibly emotional. But I guess the reality is that depending on whose side you’re on, you’ll read it a certain way. My friends who knew me knew I was being genuine and knew my heart. Anyone who read it who didn’t know me saw me as a monster.
OK, I’ll stop being vague: a month ago I got dumped, and I was pissed, and I ranted with God, and I blogged about it, and she read it, and her sister read it, and I was subsequently torn into.
I’m so done talking about the situation. I really am. I finally, in talking to her, got the answer I needed to give me closure about the issue. I finally understood why it happened. That’s not why I’m writing today.
I’m writing today to say this: there are two sides to every story. We live in a day and age in which we read things online and we rush to take sides, but usually we rush to take the side of the person we know. That’s all well and good, but the danger comes when we start making assumptions and judgments about the other party. I was told that if I were the tiniest bit godly, then there would have been no reason for her to break up with me.
I’m humble, and I don’t toot my own horn. But I’m also smart enough to know that that statement is absurd. I know that the people who know me (!) know that Jesus has changed the way I interact with my friends, the way I work, the way I spend money, the way I give, etc. There’s godliness in me, and I’m willing to say that because I know my godliness comes from Jesus, not from anything I muster up.
I’m also writing today because I hate how, in the event of a break-up or something else that’s painful, that thing becomes the focus. Almost everything that’s happened in my life in the last month, I’ve related (mentally) to the break-up. When good things happened, it was in spite of the breakup. When bad things happened, it was just adding to my luck (sarcasm.) Any time I saw a comment or any activity on social media, I assumed it was about me.
I’m writing today because I’m over trying to act like a victim. I’m over being the psycho ex (!) asking for answers all of the time. I’m over being hurt. I’m over thinking she was wrong. For Pete’s sake, if any of her friends are reading, hear me clearly: I’m trying to let go! And I aim to! Don’t fixate on anything negative I’ve said and assume that’s the point of this blog!
And I’m writing today because I forgive her for the hurt I’ve experienced in the last month. It wasn’t all her fault. I’m so grateful that she was honest with me, because now I see that she didn’t end the relationship because of some vague reasoning, but because she couldn’t put up with some of my immaturity anymore. I can deal with that, because I can deal with that. I’m writing today because it’s time to move on. I’m writing today because this chapter is finally closed.