I broke down tonight.
It was one of those cries that you’ve felt coming for a really long time, and you so greatly anticipate it – you can’t wait until the tear ducts finally decide to release everything you know they’ve pent up for so long.
I cried about a girl.
Well, so I thought.
I began writing in my journal about how it didn’t make sense how I’ve had feelings towards this girl for so long now, and I just can’t come to terms with dating anyone besides her, but simultaneously knowing that it would, could, and should never happen. Why did everything keep coming around back to her?
I wrote about how it didn’t make sense that I think she’s so beautiful, and I enjoy her company so much, and I’ve had this insatiable desire for so long to do nothing other than to make her happy. I wrote about my worries that I could never possibly love someone the way I love her in those terms.
But as I was writing, I was hit with this question:
Is it really about this girl?
Now, I’m afraid I’m not making sense, so I’ll try to bring this full-circle.
I think that my feelings of attachment and confusion were a lot less about this girl and much more about my attachment to my life the way it is now. I realized as I was writing how horrified I am of change. It’s always baffled me how some people can move place to place, live in one place one day and move the next with little remorse about it, and while that may be detachment on their part, I think it says something about my own severe attachment to places.
If you know me, you know I’m a homebody.
They say home is where the heart is, and my heart is with a lot of the people I know. Less than a specific location, I think that I get attached to circumstances: living rent-free with my brother, being in a great church, working in a great coffee shop where the pay is small but the fun is big and it doesn’t (usually) follow me home, at least not in a bad way.
I think I’m scared of change more than anything: scared that my brother will move and I’ll have to get my own place. Scared that when the call of God on my life starts coming to fruition, it’ll mean leaving a ton of people that I love dearly and am comfortable with; and scared that I’ll get a job I despise.
I’m scared of making ripples in the water.
But this life is but a vapor, and bringing the Kingdom of God to earth is a mission that far supercedes my own needs and comforts.