This post piggybacks my last one.
I keep trying to figure out why it is that I can never go seven days without being upset with myself. I keep trying to figure out why it is that I can’t go twenty four hours without being upset with myself.
I have a hypothesis. My hypothesis is this: I am too focused on myself. Seriously, I can hardly think of the last time that I focused my energy on others. Even when I am serving, my thoughts tend to be on how tired I am, or what I’m getting in return, and so on. And to an extent, I understand why, because I haven’t had a job in months and therefore, money has been tight, and things I am doing with my time are costing me a little bit, and so in that respect, I can see why I am self-focused (even though that’s a small example.)
I was going to put the hypothesis off until later, but I feel as though it’s the most important thing right now. Thoughts like this are consistently coming up and distracting me:
-I don’t want to go do [insert event] because I’m tired and I’ve had a long day.
-I’m not going to do [insert thing] for [insert person] because it’s out of my way.
And then the second subtype of selfish thoughts: jealousy.
-I’m jealous of [person] because they got/get to do [something.]
-I wish I could [something] like [someone.]
even stuff like
-I wish I looked good in [such and such outfit] as [such and such person.]
or dreams and aspirations, like:
-I wish I had an apartment.
-I wish I was married.
-I wish I had kids.
Sometimes it takes the form of my achievements, like this:
-I am probably going to graduate without debt (which, while it’s good, I take PRIDE in, yucky pride.)
-I’m almost 20, and I’ve never dated, kissed, or had sex (which, while it’s good, I take PRIDE in, yucky pride.)
My whole entire world just seems me-centric right now. I would put up a front that it’s not, but it seems as if it indeed is. It’s unhealthy, and it’s frustrating. Because my eyes are constantly down on my own life, and then comes in the self-disappointment, and it’s a vicious, ugly, upsetting, frustrating, cycle.
That is why I am interested in taking a journey of getting my eyes off of myself. Not as something to please God (even though I’m sure it does, which let me get off on another tangent: I live in this crazy pendulum swing of doing things out of freedom and out of religion, for example, I don’t read the Word because I am free and I don’t have to do it in order to please God, but then it’s unhealthy to NOT read the Word, so I need to find some happy medium where I realize that the Word is there to guide us and reveal Jesus to us, not to condemn us and make us follow rules! anyway…) I don’t think I will ever be the man I want to be while I am constantly just looking at myself and finding out what can make ME happy.
I recently talked to a friend of mine about writing a series of blogs or maybe even a book about a healthy dose of self-love. It’s not God’s heart for us to hate ourselves, but it’s not God’s heart for us to be self-centered. Look at Jesus, our example. He knew who He was, but His whole life was spent serving, teaching, and preaching the Gospel. Jesus wasn’t worried about getting married, or who liked Him, or anything like that. He was completely God-and-others-focused, which I want to be. But I dare say Jesus also loved Himself. Jesus was confident in who He was.
I found this quote on hatred:
|“Hate is too great a burden to bear. It injures the hater more than it injures the hated.”|
Imagine hatred on both sides. Can you imagine anything worse?
Also this one:
Hating people is like burning down your own house to get rid of a rat. ~Henry Emerson Fosdick
Hate only serves a negative purpose. It only destroys, it only distracts.
I want to get to a point where I love myself, because Jesus loves me.